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Babyfreeze Fan Cruise (the fine print)

April 10, 2016

Are you a die-hard Babyfreeze fan?

Want to come on the Fan Cruise, but not sure what you’re getting yourself into*?

Below are the Terms and Conditions (which may, or may not, be completely serious).

*Don’t lie, you know exactly what you’re getting yourself into.

For The Freeze Baes


Hi Babyfreeze Super-Fan (henceforth referred to as GUEST)

Thank you [in advance] for purchasing a ticket for the The Babyfreeze Fan Cruise of Lake Burley Griffin! Babyfreeze (henceforth referred to as the BAND) can’t wait to ‘go insane’ with each and every one of you at this intimate and exclusive event!

So as to ensure you make the most of your cruise experience, we’ve helpfully put together the following document outlining what can you expect, as well as conveniently stipulating your obligations as a Guest. We, and the Band, appreciate your cooperation!


The You Are Here Festival Group (henceforth referred to as the CORPORATION)



You are booked as a participant for Tour Group One (1), leaving from 51 Lawson Crescent in Acton at 8PM SHARP on Saturday the 16th of April 2016.



The cruise will take place onboard The Pirate Party Boat (henceforth referred to as the SS BABYFREEZE).

The SS BABYFREEZE is fully equipped with dancefloor, toilet facilities and four functional life rafts (henceforth referred to as the ESCAPE PODS) – the Escape Pods are for the exclusive use of the band . In the event of a life-threatening situation audience members are invited to assist the band in entering their Escape Pods and launching them to an appropriate safe distance (please note, this level of access is only available for our premium members – refer below to ensure you don’t miss out!).



Guests voluntarily assume all risks incident to the event, including the risk of lost, stolen or damaged property or personal injury, or getting impregnated by Fossil Rabbit. Further, guests also voluntarily assume all risks occurring before and after the event, from time of their birth up until the time of their death, and release both the Corporation and the Band from all related claims. Upon entry, guests waive all rights and automatically grant permission for the Corporation to utilize their image, likeness, name, voice, comments, thoughts, opinions, talents, and dance moves, in connection with any photograph, video or other recording means (including those designed to capture auras and transmissions from the astral plane) for broadcast, commercial, historical, promotional and prurient use.

Guests are encouraged to take photos and videos anywhere onboard the cruise and during the performance. All photos and footage must then be provided to both the Corporation and the Band for use however they so wish – all rights by Guests to renumeration for said media are waived (though the Band wishes to use this paragraph to extend a personal and heartfelt ‘thanks!’ to any contributing Guest).

All of the Band plan to join you for the full cruise. However, there may be some cases where a member of the Band needs to depart early due to an unavoidable scheduling conflict, personal commitment, or genuine lack of interest in continuing.



For the purposes of The Babyfreeze Fan Cruise of Lake Burley Griffin, the Band is comprised of:

• Handsome Luke

• Babyfreeze

• Fossil Rabbit

• Trendoid

• ‘Massive’ Johnson
The Corporation reserves the right to substitute any and all of the stated performers at any point, up to and including mid-performance. Further, any and all of the stated performers may be substituted by any act of equal or lesser value, which may or may not incorporate similar musical elements, and/or may or may not be a dialectically oppositional performative art-form (e.g. a children’s book reading).

Further, the Corporation reserve the right to substitute any and all of the stated performers for a NON-performative art-form (for instance, a sculpture, which may or may not be cardboard cut-outs of the stated perfomers) for the duration of the stated performance time.



The Corporation and the Band are excited to offer some additional customised experiences with the Band. This is the first time in Babyfreeze’s history that they have allowed their audience unfettered access into their own private universe! If you are a true Babyfreeze fan, you can’t afford to miss this never-to-be-repeated chance!

Bronze Level

• Commemorative VIP laminate (n.b. commemorative VIP laminates are for commemorative purposes only. The VIP laminate does not gain or authorise access into any area, VIP or otherwise. Also, ‘laminate’ is an industry term and actual item may not be laminated).

Silver Level

• Commemorative VIP laminate (note stipulations above)
• Autographed special edition piece of paper (A4 size)
• A whole song written by Trendoid on a topic of their choosing (n.b. timeframe for completion at Trendoid’s discretion).
• In the event of an emergency, you will be directly responsible for ensuring each and every member of the Band reaches their Escape Pod, before having an opportunity to get yourself to safety.

Gold Level

ll of the above plus:

• Autographed special edition piece of paper (A3 size).

• Personalised Backstage Tour with Handsome Luke showcasing the costumes, technology and set pieces of the show (n.b.Monday – Thursdayonly, noting the cruise takes place on a Saturday)

• While entry before the listed time is not possible, Gold Level Guests are invited to queue at the entrance ahead of time as early as desired.

Platinum Level

All of the above plus:

• A sexual favour administered by any member of the Band (not including Fossil Rabbit, Trendoid, ‘Massive’ Johnson and Handsome Luke).

Full prices for all levels are available upon request.



We request all guests be respectful of the Band’s personal space during the show. They, like you, have been invited onboard to relax and enjoy themselves during their cruise. You will have several opportunities to grip and grin (henceforth referred to as MEET AND GREET) with the Band.

While the Band is extremely excited to be offering you this up-close opportunity, they have respectfully requested the following guidelines be enforced, for their comfort and to ensure a ‘safe space’ for everyone on board the vessel:

• Please do not look Handsome Luke directly in the eyes.

• Please do not look Babyfreeze anywhere BUT directly in his eyes.

• Fossil Rabbit requests Guests genuflect before any further interaction.

• Any interaction with Trendoid requires a five dollar gratuity payable upfront, followed by a further two dollar gratuity for each subsequent minute after the first five minutes. Trendoid also accepts Bitcoin and Zambreros cards (with AT LEAST four or more stamps). These stipulations also include any and all pre-paid premium packages which would assume unfettered access to all of the Band, including Trendoid.

• ‘Massive’ Johnson has no requests or further stipulations but requested that this was noted.



What should I wear?
Mid-April temperatures in Canberra range from 13 to 19 degrees Celsius. Some onboard areas are outdoors, and there is always the chance of it being windy, cool or torrential.

There is no dress code onboard the SS BABYFREEZE – however, the Corporation respectfully suggest that guests choose from the following items to wear while in public spaces throughout the ship:

• T-shirts with writing on them

• Socks and sandals

• Low slung trousers

• Tracksuits (shiny and/or velour)

• Bum bags

• Trucker hats

• Scrunchies

If in doubt about what to wear, think ‘dance casual’.

Do I need a passport?

While it is not anticipated that the SS BABYFREEZE will be entering international waters on this voyage, the carrying of appropriate identification whilst onboard the vessel is advisable at all times. If you do not have a valid passport, the Corporation suggest carrying one of the following:

• Babyfreeze Fan Club membership card (available for purchase on board)

However, while the entire cruise takes place on Lake Burley Griffin, the Law Of The Sea will be in effect at all times (see below). In the event of the band needing to make a detour (for either tax haven or recreational re-supply purposes), there may not be sufficient time to offload all Guests. Any Guests not wishing to extend their voyage beyond the coast of Australia should make alternative arrangements and/or pack water-wings.

What is the Law Of The Sea?

The National Capital Authority administers, on behalf of the Minister, the National Land Ordinance (1989) and applied provisions, including the Lakes Ordinance (1976) (referred throughout as the LAW OF THE SEA).

In administering the Law Of The Sea, the National Capital Authority undertakes measures to manage Lake Burley Griffin for a variety of functions and in accordance with objectives that reflect community values.

As an inland body of water, Lake Burley Griffin falls under the category of ‘internal waters’. As such, land-based local and federal laws would typically apply. However, the SS BABYFREEZE is registered in Equatorial Guinea and flies a ‘flag of convenience’ under this sovereign nation. It also maintains a certification as a cargo-carrying vessel. Therefore, any marine-based legislative matters (including but not limited to salvage operations, piracy (including buccaneering), gambling, prostitution, oil-drilling, free trade zones, and/or any question of mutiny) are dealt with under the category of ‘international’ or ‘trans-boundary’ waters.

As operators of the SS BABYFREEZE, the Band will thus act as the administrative and judicial branches of marine government, and will have free reign to mete out ‘aquatic justice’ as they see fit.

How much should I tip the Band?

Guests should not feel obliged to offer a gratuity for good service. However, the Band are permitted to accept gratuities entirely at the discretion of Guests who wish to acknowledge particular band members for exceptional or outstanding service. If Guests feel the desire to acknowledge particular individuals, each band member is able to accept cash, credit, Paypal and a variety of in-game and cryptocurrencies.

Will I be able to get my photo with the Band?

There will be several opportunities to further purchase ‘special time’ with the Band (or a Band-approved proxy/representative).





The Corporation reserves the right to cancel, postpone or reschedule the event, if it deems in its complete discretion that the artistic integrity of the event has been compromised in any manner whatsoever. But remember – have fun ’cause it’s all about the fans!